Intimacy Between Men
This ongoing confidential gay men's group meets every other week and is limited to 8 men per group. The focus is on issues of intimacy and relationship between men. The men in the group have been "out" for some time and are relatively comfortable with their sexual self. Key issues addressed are decided by the members and have included such topics as: Enhancing self-esteem, skills training for dating, improved communication, and conflict management; the role of empathy and mutuality in relationship; understanding power and control issues between men; stages of relationship development; identifying sexual boundaries ("the monogamy, non-monogamy issue"); how one's early family experiences may contribute to present relational issues; and feeling identification and feeling expression. In addition, the impact of HIV/AIDS on all aspects of relationship are discussed, as are issues of negotiating safer sex, as well as fantasies or actual slips to unsafe sex. In this non-judgmental atmosphere, men are supported by each other and assisted in finding their voice, in an effort to develop authentic and genuine connections with themselves and each other. Past participants have referred to the group experience as "their new family". The question posed to members is "What kind of relationship do you want to take responsibility for creating?" Comments From Past Members: It's 7:00 p.m. Nine chairs in a circle, lights are dim, as flickering candles create an intimate mood. Kim brings in candy, Rich (names changed) brings in fat free cookies, Dave a new candle, Larry found an article he liked and copied it for everyone -- these guys give in so many different ways to each other. The men fill the room and get situated. We go around in a circle..."does anyone have anything they'd like to bring up tonight?". The evening begins. Intimacy Between Men, a weekly therapy group that first began April 1994, initially planned as a 10 week group. (We all learned. Now we all laugh. Intimacy in 10 weeks? NOT!). The term "group" has been replaced by some of the guys with the word "family". That is exactly what they have created with each other - a family; complete with mutual respect, caring, support, while interspersed with conflict, and disconnection, to be followed by creating new connections, and most always about love. Let's check in with some of the guys as they share part of their experience and learning over the past two years. "My name is Rich, and I have been a member of the group for five months. The group has reinforced many of my personal realizations regarding intimacy between men-or anyone for that matter. The first barrier I faced was to allow myself to be myself. It is a level of comfort with who I am-a sense of self-worth. As I have grown, I find that the desire for intimacy grows as well. It is a yearning to share some of what I discovered when I discovered me. The toughest thing about intimacy is maintaining a personal level of sharing within a non-judgmental environment. It is opening a window of vulnerability with all the emotional risks that go with it. It is a spiritual connection beyond physical intimacy even though both may occur simultaneously. I am finding that I am capable of greater intimacy in my relationships. I am also finding that I am refusing to settle for less. It takes time, patience, and a lot of hard work. I believe for all of us, it is worth the investment in order to touch and to be in touch with the one you love" - Paul. " 'It's not the same when you're not here.' That's what one of the guys in our group said to me. It's not right for me when I'm not there. It's an adventure, a never ending journey, a commitment. If you saw the recent movie White Squall', remember the animosity as the group started, how they gradually came together, and how at the end they rang the bell for truth and freedom, holding tightly to one another with confidence, with compassion. Can I describe what it's been for me? No, I don't possess the power of such words. It's anything you can imagine. At the beginning you don't know what it will be. You don't trust yourself or anyone else. Gradually, you change, and so do they. In time, you recover your trust, and you feel a new unity with the others. It never leaves you. They are always with you. We support each other. There may be anger, confusion, or a revelation. You feel new confidence. It becomes truth. It is love." - Kim. "I have had a year of revelations. The group has enabled me to come to terms with my need to die to make everything alright. Letting myself get close and connect with the group has opened a new way for me to connect with myself. I have let myself have a best friend and it feels good. My feelings are starting to show up after being in hiding for 35 to 40 years. To start to experience my feelings is the single most tremendous thing that has happened to me in my lifetime. I am starting to see what I have missed in my life. I have learned what an important part connection with people is to living. I am starting to enjoy my life and it feels good." - Dave. "Since I last helped to contribute to this column, I feel as I have been on an emotional roller coaster. Within the last year I have had the opportunity to challenge some of my homophobic prejudices, discuss sexual situations and attitudes, learn new things about myself, and when people became to close for comfort I could disconnect myself from the situation. Throughout this whole process I knew that I would receive unconditional love and acceptance from my friends in the "Intimacy Between Men" group. These experiences are totally foreign to the place that I grew up in. I realized at an early age that there was something different about me. In order to survive I learned to play the game of being a people pleaser. Along with this came being a good little boy who never gets angry, or talks back to anyone. I was supposed to be seen and not heard. While accepting all of this stuff I became an expert at suppressing and hiding who I really am. So finally coming to terms with my sexuality, I was filled with guilt, self-hatred, and denial. For years I have been hiding from myself and anyone who tried to get close to me. My friends and family' in the group help me break free and change my old ideas and fears. By taking risks and allowing some of my secrets out, I am learning to love myself and having pride in being a gay male. When I try to disconnect from my friends, I know that they are there to catch me and reel me back in. I am very grateful to have this group of gay men that are like the family I have always wanted. - Larry. "It is hard to believe that about two years ago I would start a 10 week therapy session that would change my life as I know it, forever. It is hard for me to believe that I would meet a man as special and loving as Joe, my boyfriend. It is hard for me to believe that the group of strangers that I met in that room two years ago in April have become a part of me, my family. Well the time has come to believe. To believe in myself and others that gay men can become connected and disconnected and still remain in relationship with one another. And we are learning that we can be in relationship and keep our Self. Just when we think that we as a group have discussed everything - the groups become better, more meaningful to me. In my relationship with Myself and Joe the more risks I take to be open and believe in Myself the more intimate I become with Joe, and the other guys in group who have become a very important part of my life." - Scott. It's now 9:00 p.m. Time to wrap things up. A closing ritual. A hug. The group ends yet another session, but the feeling of connection continues within. The sense of immersion and oneness created when the men collectively join together allows for a transformative experience. Not one person in the group is the same as when they first walked in two years ago. Emerging Authentic Selves meet each other in new ways. I am also a part of the learning that takes place. These guys have been my teachers as well and with appreciation I acknowledge each of you. Relationship, connection, intimacy, mutuality, conflict, disconnection, and re-connection. It's all this and more when we allow Intimacy Between Men. |
